Post-vacation dark thoughts

I enjoy riding the commuter train most of the time. It’s quiet and smooth and the temperature is well regulated, unlike buses. It’s also the only time I spend just sitting and thinking. Life is too busy for quiet thinking time lately.

I have a lot on my mind tonight, most of it a little morbid and unsettling. My trip to Las Vegas, which I’ll talk about later, triggered some unhappy thoughts and unsubstantiated worries about how it would feel if something happened to Lyra or Adam or both while I was away, or how they would have to cope if anything happened to me. Either concept breaks my heart and makes my stomach flip with an instinctive anxiety that I know is irrational. If something happened, I suppose we would cope with it, because that’s what we do. But it hurts every time I think of it.

Now, that doesn’t mean my whole vacation was spent worried and anxious – I had a lot of fun. But these random bouts of fear hit me occasionally in my day-to-day life more often than I want to admit. Maybe it’s a normal part of being a mother – this isn’t something I remember being a problem for me before I had Lyra. I don’t really know.

What I can say with some certainty is that there are things happening around me in the lives of friends that are making me more aware of these fears, and perhaps making me feel the anxiety more deeply than I normally would, and the idea of anything happening to Lyra, Adam or me terrifies me.

But no one can see the future, so I bury the random fears and get on with living my life. I guess that’s what we all do… keep on living and deal with things as they happen. Some days it’s easier than others.

Another day, another brain dump

Saw an old Toronto friend tonight – we drank coffee and rambled about the state of the world, and where we are now. I seem to be going out a lot lately after work, and it’s a bit exhausting, but I think I need it for sanity at the moment. Still, I’m not doing enough fun things for me lately, and I’m definitely not getting enough exercise. I don’t know how to fix it yet, though… I have a lot of trouble motivating myself, and even more trouble asking other people to help me out with it. I think if I’m answerable to someone else, it helps a lot.

I’m just not great at using a long term reward as motivation.

Drawing a blank

I’m on the commuter train about to head home, and bored because I have no book and no Nintendo ds to keep me entertained. This is how I ended up here in this phone lj client rambling at a blank screen, correcting phone typos as I go. I’m sure to miss some… Sorry.

In nine days I’m taking a vacation for three nights with a friend. We’re flying to las vegas for three nights, which should be lots of fun. It will also be my first overnight trip away from Lyra since she was born, which will be very strange for me, Adam and Lyra as group.

I’m both looking forward to it and nervous about it at the same time. But hey… Three nights in Vegas!