My feet are cold and I’m completely out of black socks. I’m wearing navy blue socks, but god forbid I get caught at work in those. I guess I’ll have to wear dirty socks or something.
I am filled with directionless anger. Hopefully I won’t snap.
Maybe I should go for a walk in the rain down at the beach.
Adam got the job at MEC. I figured he would, he’s a charming lad after all.
Dayle has been exceptionally needy today. After sitting on my keyboard for a while (keeping me from typing as much as possible) he has moved on to sitting on top of Adam’s tower, watching him play UT2004.
Oh wait, he’s moved from there now to the window in the kitchen. Oh how he wants to be outside. But no more outside for him, he’s too much of a troublemaker for such things. He hasn’t actually been out in over a year now, I think he’s getting used to it, but he still cries at the window sometimes. It’s hard to feel bad for him though, considering what he puts us through on a daily basis.
Dayle was sitting on my lap and started batting at the keyboard as he likes to do. He somehow managed to close Xircon for me. What a nice boy he is.
Tuesday… I must give this day over to laundry, groceries, and work at the Theatre.
You know, I used to kind of like ABBA, mostly because my mom loves ABBA so it reminds me of her and that makes me happy. Now, however, there are a few songs I still like, and some songs I am thoroughly indifferent to, and a few that I hate passionately. I think there must be this stage you get through – after a certain number of shows you’ve seen you go from kind of liking it because it’s something you’ve never seen before to analyzing it and taking it apart to hating the whole thing to not even seeing/hearing it anymore, except for the songs you really don’t like. Unfortunately for me, I was sick of Dancing Queen before I even started this job, and it’s played in the show not once but twice. Also I hate Slipping Through My Fingers and What’s the Name of the Game. However, I do still like Super Trouper, Take a Chance on Me, and Waterloo. Everything else in the show I hardly even hear anymore.
If I do a rough count then I’m up to seeing the show about just under 200 times. I don’t even want to know what happens when you reach 400.
So tonight I went to the Renaissance Cafe for a dinner on my own. It was a combination of calming and lonely, but not lonely in a bad way. I had some loose leaf Earl Grey tea (which makes me incredibly happy, I might add) and a tuna melt and sat and wrote at a table for a while. I haven’t actually sat somewhere and written in my paper journal in what feels like years. It was good, but it ended up leaving me feeling a bit melancholy. I really am getting down on this whole job situation… I don’t quite understand why I don’t get called for the jobs I know I’m completely qualified for (not even overqualified, but just the right level even!) and every day I have to work at the theatre it gets more difficult to actually go in. It’s wearing me thin.
I think I’m anxious to move on now more than ever. Just in general – I have so much trouble with living right now, I keep wanting to be somewhere else, somewhere ahead of where I am. Or at least somewhere that I imagine is ahead… And of course I’m not there, so I’m always feeling like I’ve fallen behind or I’ll never catch up to where I think I should be. I’m still comparing myself to everyone I know. I’ve been trying not to, but the moment I stop concentrating on that effort is the moment those unbidden thoughts show up and I feel like I have to live up to some standard that’s only in my head. I set my standards for myself so high a god probably couldn’t live up to them. I’m completely unreasonable with myself. And if I’m not perfect at something on my first try I want more than anything to just give up. So completely unreasonable.
So yeah… I’m a bundle of self-destruction at the moment, and the only thing keeping me grounded is Adam. At this rate I’ll burn him out sooner than myself. I’m lucky to have him, but I’m afraid that if I can’t get over myself he won’t be able to deal with me anymore.
Wait. Get over myself is the wrong way to put it. That’s something else I’ve been doing way too much, putting everything about myself down. I don’t hate myself, and I have to stop thinking like I do because that’s probably the worst part of everything that’s wrong right now.
Moving won’t fix things. Getting a new job won’t fix things. I don’t think they’ll hurt, but they aren’t the solutions… I want a new job for different reasons than other times I’ve just hated a job for the sake of hating a job. This time I feel honestly justified, partly because I’m not the only one going crazy. I had come to terms with working at the theatre until moving, I was pretty much satisfied with the job even and looking forward to a summer with the same hours that Adam has so we can spend a lot of time out biking together and such. I was fine with it until everything went psychotic at work about a month back, and it hasn’t been getting better. I don’t think I can get back to that place of acceptance any more. Everything’s changed from there and I’m not wrong about this. Maybe things will change again and I’ll be able to handle the job again, but I don’t have high hopes of that happening.
I don’t even know what my point is.
I’m just emotionally exhausted.
Okay… so I’ve changed the layout and design of my lj… but for some reason on my friends page the text as you scroll further down the friends page starts to bleed out the sides of the borders. It’s really quite annoying and looks pretty stupid. What’s going on here? Is it just my computer? (I’m using IEeeeeeeeee 6, if that means anything.)
I’ve been on a making user icons rampage. (Well, I made 8. That’s a rampage for me.) Now I just have to find reason to use them all, eh?
This userpic is for Dayle, and only for Dayle. Because he’s an asshole.
It’s supposed to rain. I didn’t bike because it keeps saying it’s going to rain. It didn’t rain. Why isn’t it raining?
I hate weather predictions.
Picked up new kitty litter… that bucket’s a heavy beast to lug down the street. Made it home with it okay, though, and now the litterbox is uber-clean and happy. I hope the cats approve. I feel kinda icky now though (cleaning the cat litter thoroughly like that does that to me) so I think I’ll go take a shower. Blech.