And I think to myself…

Now what?

Excerpt from my paper journal, earlier today

“I don’t know why the harder I try the harder it comes…”

Maybe it’s time to stop trying. Maybe it’s time to just do.

On stage on Sunday, (was it only last night?) I knew I wouldn’t be perfect. I knew I was going to fuck things up, and I just did it anyway. It was the most liberating feeling in the world – it suddenly just didn’t matter if it wasn’t perfect, and it became real. I loved it, every second of it, including my fuck-ups. They were real. And it felt better than any sort of sex or drugs or food or games or play that I have ever been a part of. It was better than any trip on Ecstasy, and there was no physical danger aspect to it.

I’m so addicted. I want more. Not until my cold is gone, but I want more. I want to live this. This makes me happy like nothing else ever has.

I wonder why it’s taken this long for me to realize that? I guess it’s just fear. Fear affects everything that I do or don’t do. And it’s not like I can stop being afraid… no, I just have to do it anyway.

I think that will be my new motto.

Do it anyway

If it feels right, but you’re terrified, do it anyway. If you really think it will be fun, but you’re scared you’ll make a fool of yourself, do it anyway. If it means the world to you, but you’re scared that people will hate you for it, do it anyway.


  • jerronimo

    April 23, 2001 at 10:13 pm

    I was trying to go for “do it now” as my motto. Whether it be talking to a cute girl i just met, or a work assignment.

    I procrastinate and such.

    I still do. it’s a work in progress. 😉

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      April 23, 2001 at 10:15 pm

      Isn’t it always?

      • jerronimo

        April 23, 2001 at 10:19 pm

        yeah, well.. i’m a recovering procrastinator… i’m expected to have relapses…

        hehehe 😉

  • ex_ilona40

    April 23, 2001 at 10:35 pm

    Love to you, honey.
    You’re doing great.

    The Stage is a wonderful addiction.
    Thank you SO MUCH for letting me share it with you. Singing with you has been in the secret fantasy world of Ilona’s imagination for months.. You rule. Thank you.

  • sirreal13

    April 24, 2001 at 6:20 am

    This doesn’t sound the same coming from a guy, but “You go girl!” I have felt that same adrenaline/serotonin rush of performing. I used to do stage magic in high school, but the props belonged to the school and to Mr. Johnson, the Magic Revue advisor.

    Wisht I coulda been there (but not to perform) Ilona will have to tell all at the next MinneLJSecretCon 😉